Coming to India where I was born

I have spent a lifetime wondering what this country is like. My parent's stories and photos of their time spent in India is core to who I am and what I understand about my life, but there is the missing piece of the puzzle - my own experience of this country. Chennai is thousands and thousands of kms from where I was born in Madhya Pradesh, but it is the closest I'll get to Champa this time.

My first walk outside of the hotel doors to the street produced in me an overflow of emotion. It's not that I think I am "one of them" here in India, it's just that I feel like it's always been a place that meant more to me than any other country in the world. Every social studies project, every curry dinner, every border crossing into the USA is a reminder that I am different than anyone else in my family - and different than most anyone I know in Canada.

I am so removed from this culture, I can barely pronounce the name of the province in which I was born. I have now heard it many times from the Indians and feel more comfortable as I say it - Madhya Pradesh - they say it is far north, but it is really only halfway up the country. They all seem so pleased when I tell them that I was born in India - as though I am special in some way - a connection that I don't deserve with a people I don't know.

I can't explain the emotion that I'm experiencing right now as I write about this country. Tears are streaming down my face and I don't know why. Is it because I feel like I am "home"? I doubt that. There is nothing here at all to make me feel at home. It's something more like a core sense or a core belonging. It's as though for 40 years I have had a piece of me that is unknown and finally there is a slight knowing. I can't explain it. This is not my home, but it has been my longing for all of my life.

I wonder if I will ever come back. I already know that I hope to. Being here for this short time has only increased the sense that a part of this country was born into my soul. I wonder how I could ever live in a community where I am so visibly out of place. I would never blend in, that's for sure.

I wonder if I will live here one day. There is no sense of dread in that at all. I can tell you that I have not seen much beauty apart from the high-level gardens hidden behind walls of 5 star hotels and govenor's grounds. It's not the surroundings or the weather or the traffic that would draw me to a place like this. It's something else.... a calling, perhaps?

I know that as we leave tomorrow I may have had my only taste of this country in which I was born and to whom I feel an unusual connection.